The problem I am going to write is not real, neither is it hypothetical. Instead, I’d say it’s approaching. The bubble will burst any day now.
I stay at Graduate Residence in University Town, and share an apartment with three girls. We have our own rooms and the common areas consist of a bathroom, a living room and a kitchen. The apartment is furnished quite… minimalistic, so there’s really not a lot that we actually share. Even so, conflicts tend to appear when people interact with each other, especially when forced to living so close to each other as we do.
One of my roomies has developed a habit to leave dishes in the sink. Of course, one doesn’t always have the time to do the dishes right away, but sometimes they are left for a week, waiting for being washed. By who? By me at several times, as late as this morning actually. This afternoon new dishes had appeared, and I’m not sure for how long they will be laying around this time.
So what’s the problem? First thing, it’s unhygienic and it makes the sink getting filthy. Secondly, it makes us running out of clean kitchen equipment, so we end up with nothing to eat and drink from. Last thing, it’s disrespectful.
The cause of the problem from my point of view is simple. It’s the person who leaves the dishes. I’ve been trying to understand how this person is thinking, and have come to the solution that the person probably isn’t thinking at all. She’s probably not used to wash up, or to share a household with others. Or she might be extremely absent-minded, forgetting that it’s her dishes.
The cause of the problem from an objective perspective is differences. It takes two to tango, and it’s obvious that me and one of my roomies have different habits and opinions about how domestic work should be done.
I’ve analyzed the situation and come up with four solutions that I will present in the following.
Solution 1: Verbal communication
Isn’t that what ES2007S is all about, to teach us that communication is the key to everything? Shouldn’t I just tell my roomies to %&€?# do their dishes? Don’t you think I’ve tried that? I’ve been writing notes and I’ve nagged, but nothing seems to work. No one wants to recognize the dishes. Trying to solve the problem by communicating causes a bad atmosphere at home as my roomies feel accused and I feel like being their mom.
Solution 2: Embrace it
Who am I to decide when someone should do their dishes, shouldn’t I just be flexible and embrace our differences when it comes to domestic work? Could be a bad solution, as the situation would remain the same and the pile of dishes would just continue growing.
Solution 3: Do it myself
If they bother me so much, why don’t I just wash them up myself? This is actually not a interpersonal solution, and it would probably only make me more frustrated.
Solution 4: Install CCTV
…and catch that little bastard in the act. No I am not being very serious here.
So the problem is about respect for others. Who is to be respected in a situation like this, my flat mate or me? Is there an objective cause to the problem?
Hi Anna,
ReplyDeleteThis is Zongyang (Joseph)
Sorry about your current 'dish' problem and sorry that this post amused me.
I have heard that there are more conflicts in a girls' dormitory that a guys'. I guess it's more true when the girls come from different backgrounds.
What I can suggest you is that, if talking directly to the girl who is used to leave the dishes in the sink doesn't work, you can buy your own bowls and dishes. Put your own dishes aside from the common ones. About the scene in the sink, maybe ignoring it is the best solution.
Hello Anna!
ReplyDeleteI stay in Hall and while my Hall doesn't have such a serious problem as yours, occasionally unwashed dishes do appear in the common kitchen sink.
Obviously it's unhygienic and unsightly. So what happens next is the Block Committee, which is basically a committee made up of residents in our residence that is in charge of us residents, notifies the entire block of the situation if it goes on. They might paste notes reminding people to wash up their own dishes or inform people of certain penalties imposed upon such "crimes".
But I know my hall is different from your residence. So maybe what you can do is talk with the other girls when you have time, getting to know them better first, before reminding them about their dishes again. Friends tend to not inconvenience one another excessively. But this solution might not necessarily work out, sorry, I don't have any immediate solutions at hand.
Btw, I think it is wrong to use continuous tense this way "makes the sink getting filthy. Secondly, it makes us running..." Makes is present, (I think, never paid much attention in grammar!!) -ing is continuous. You can check with Brad, I'm not too sure what tenses these words are in.
Oh I have one other solution: Eat out all the time. But it's expensive and probably unhealthy too. Can't help you much there.
Samuel
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI chanced upon your post by accident and I found your entry really interesting. Hope you allow me to comment :)
I think I can understand your situation because I think I've probably been in many situations like this, where one party refuses to cooperate and you are thinking how is that possible? You feel like cursing and swearing, feel a lot of frustration and helplessness. For me, I almost wanted to cry sometimes.
For me the situation is with my younger brother who is still in highschool, and he leaves his stinking laundry at every possible place at home, and like you, I've tried to come to an agreement with him on what he shouldn't do, but to no avail.
I guess in such situations patience and tolerance is best. Trying to counter their disobedience and oblivion with nagging and scolding and pushing will not help, as was the case with my brother. Instead, I continued to be patient and show my love and care for my brother, sometimes I would help him clear up the laundry myself, and so he can see my kind-heartedness and be touched by that. That way he changed and started to do it himself because he was touched by my love for him in my actions.
Hope that helps!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi anna :D
ReplyDeleteThe way you described your conflict is really interesting. I can really tell you are exasperated. The post flows well and it is easy to read.
Anyway, allow me to leave you with my humble opinion. I guess you could start off with something subtle, instead going all confrontation. For example, you could comment in passing about the disappearance of the dishes or quote them some statistics about the amount of germs is growing on the rotten plates. The key is BE SUBTLE because people do not like to be told that their way is the wrong way.
To avoid using common plates, you could buy yourself a really pretty plate. (basically, something to differentiate your plate from the others) At least you know that your plate has not been a germ ball
Hope that helps! :D
Vivien
Elo Anna, just popping by~
ReplyDeleteI find ur post cute. :P
Yea, for ur own emotional health, I don't think you shld do the washing for others; most likely they'll take it for granted and like what you observed, new dishes appeared.
I guess there's you've aldy tried all you can and that's that. :) I think you've done great job in handling the situation; 3Cheers for ya!
Hi Anna,
ReplyDeleteIt is really appalling that people behave this way even though they are adults now. I have a friend who recently came back from Hawaii and one of the many stories of her roomie is exactly the same as yours. My friend tried everything she could but gave up after a while... It's sad that your roomie is not changing her habits despite your numerous different approaches. What do you other roomies think of her actions? Maybe you'll should have a chat and tell her what you feel about the situation.
Hi Anna,
ReplyDeleteIt is very disrespectful of her to do this! I think you should try and talk to her to be more mindful but just be careful of your tone. Be nice. If not, the conflict may even blossom up and things can get really awkward when both of you see each other, which is everyday.
I know how it feels like to go to the sink and see unwashed bowls and plates inside. This is because my dad and brother are like that too, they cannot be bothered to wash it and my mom and I always end up being the maid. I can feel your anger and your frustration. However, I resolved the conflict by shouting at them. I know it is not nice at all to shout at family members but I could not take it anymore. Since then, they have washed their own bowls but sometimes, the leopard never change its spot.
As I mentioned, Anna, I had written comments and lost them---the gist was that this is a well described scenario. I wondered aloud that since you had written possible solutions, it could have been a worry that such an approach would dissuade your readers from doing their job: giving possible solutions. But I see that they have still fulfilled that part of the assignment. So seemingly not a problem.
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your comments and support! For your information, the situation has never been as bad as this morning. Maybe it's time for trying Ai Lin's solution: shouting.
ReplyDeleteI'm grateful for your possible solutions, but no one hasn't still answered my question mentioned at the end of my post: who should be respected in this situation? Meaning, the one to be blamed should be the one lacking in EQ skills. So how to look at the situation from an EQ point of view?
Hey Anna
ReplyDeleteWell, I wouldn't presume to answer your question with a definite reply. Who should be respected? I feel everybody should; just because she doesn't do the dishes doesn't mean she should be treated with less respect.
Mind you, respect and anger are two different things. You can still shout at the person, just do it respectfully. Sounds like an oxymoron, but it isn't.
From an EQ point of view, the one to be blamed definitely lacks EQ skills, maybe due to her upbringing or culture or others. I would agree with viv, subtlety usually works wonders in such situations.